One of those experiences…


Today has not been particularly satisfying.
Started with me waking up crying because of yet another nightmare that left me feeling distressed and vulnerable and then, as I got up, I realised I had a migraine wanting to pay a visit…
Now I’ve got numerous ways to handle my migraines; today I started with painkillers, pancakes and coffee and when that didn’t lift the pain I went on to distract myself from it with Facebook and watching a replay of a FC Barcelona match. That worked fairly well for about an hour then the migraine decided it wanted some attention and tightened its grip around my brain cells… 
I started getting annoyed, swearing at the migraine, the pain, my sensitivity and all those little sensations of light, colour, movement, sounds and smells that can feel like knives being thrown straight into my skull; telling all of it to f*** off and give me some space.
No better, no worse. But the anger had made me restless and I decided to go for a walk.  The weather had turned grey and cold and with a pair of sunglasses I knew I would be able to handle the light. Taking migraines for a walk can be a relief; I just have to walk slowly as not to raise my pulse, focus on breathing gently and just let the cold cool down my head and body.
I went through the woods and down to the beach and did some grounding exercises and a standing meditation. Then walked on but when another wave of pain hit me I decided to rest for a while. I found some big rocks by the water I could lean against in an angle, so that I ways half standing, half lying down. The tide was low, the water calmly licking the sand and the rocks. After watching the water and skies for a while, I leaned my head back, hugged my arms around myself, closed my eyes and hoped to doze off and get a break from the pain.
I got a couple of minutes peace when out of the blue, a voice – sounding somewhat like my partner – said to me:
 “It is not safe here, you need to get going.”
My first reaction was to get annoyed, as I often do with insisting voices. I prefer it when they stick to their own frequencies and I can selectively tune in and out of what they are saying and doing.  So in my mind I went:
“What is this? What you on about?”
And the voice persisted:
“It is not safe here.”
I thought; alright I will check it out, opened my eyes and had a look around. No suspicious people lurking about, no dark thunder clouds gathering above me. Everything looking quiet and I still really just wanted to rest my aching head for a while. So I closed my eyes again and told the voice that I thought things looked calm and I needed to rest. The voice still persisted:
“Please trust me, you need to move”
I slowly collected myself as not to make the migraine worse and got off the rock. Inwardly I was rolling my eyes like a teenager, having a go at the voice and telling it:
“Alright, happy now? I am getting out of here, no point in trying to rest anyway now you made me feel unsafe. Doing it your way…”
And I started carefully walking away from the water towards the woods. After about ten steps I suddenly heard the rush of water over sand and pebbles and I turn around in time to see the water pulling quickly away from the beach, big waves rising and fiercely coming down, water gushing up beyond the place I had just been standing, flowing around the rock I had been leaning against. I was amused and stunned at the same time. I would definitely have had wet feet had I not moved away and the sneak attack of the first wave would have raised my pulse to unpleasant heights, causing aches I didn’t even want to think about…
I stood there for a while watching the fascinating phenomenon of these sudden forceful waves. It is like mini tsunamis caused by big and fast ships going in and out of the bay. I was contemplating if this was what the voice had warned me about. But the voice had left so there was no point in asking it.
Now I don’t fully understand what or who the voices I hear are and I don’t know why I have these experiences. I’ve got plenty theories, but I just don’t know for sure. It can be distressing at times and often quite hard work but it can also be fun and enlightening.
This is experience was one of those that gently reminded me why I cannot and will not live a life without the voices I hear. Even though my rational mind cannot explain what happened or why, the experience left me feeling deeply connected; to the water, to myself, to nature, to my own nature and intuition and because the voice – for whatever reason – had chosen to sound like my partner I felt connected to him too. Right there; alone, in pain and exhausted, I had been given a moment of beautiful belonging.
I left the beach and walked back through woods enveloped in a wonderful sensation of being loved and looked after by life itself.

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