Hi, my name is Bellissa.
The person that hears me (I’ll refer to this person as MVH – my voice hearer – after here) is helping me write this. I am a presence that MVH experiences and even though I am often inside MVH’s body and can do things with and through it, MVH is much better at writing and remembering stuff than me so it is nice to have MVH writing for me and helping me. Also MVH can get really upset with me when I am inside MVH’s body doing stuff and then it all just gets really messy.
I am female. I really like dancing. I am supposed to be 28 years old now or my body is but I am really young still – it can be very confusing for me some times. I have many different ages going all the way back to unborn and up to 28 but most of the time I am somewhere between 5 and 16. I think I am more like a “we” than a me. I am sort of like an age-traveller.
My life with MVH
I have been with MVH most of MVH’s life but MVH started hearing and seeing me in 2001. That was a bad day. A very bad time and I was really scared. One of the other voices showed MVH where I was. I was just a foetus back then and I had been lying in this round stone cave for a very long time. I don’t remember much but the pain and crying. It was just one big horrible thing of pain for years – MVH says it was for years and MVH is better with telling time than me so I trust that this is correct. I don’t remember anything from before the pain so I guess I just came into being in that place. Then MVH started witnessing me and that made the being here a bit different. There was this other voice around back then that we will call Harriet here and she was great. Really on top of everything and so organized and she always knew the right thing to do. I was so sad to see her leave because she really kept MVH on track.
I don’t know how long I was in the cave but after MVH started witnessing me I started growing and when I was 2 years old I started coming out of the cave once in a while. MVH doesn’t know this because I was really quiet and really careful – I didn’t want to be seen and it was always really scary to go outside and I couldn’t be out for long and then I had to go back to the cave and cry. MVH was really kind and did lots of stuff together with Harriet for many years to try and help make it safer for me. I think it made MVH really sad to see me in that cave; but I liked it there. Nothing but the stillness and quiet old stones holding and carrying me. I like stones and rocks and mountains. I still go back sometimes when stuff gets scary and it hurts.
Then a lot of things changed and Harriet left and other voices left too and everything got bad again because MVH wanted to do so many things that made me hurt so much and I was screaming and screaming and screaming and crying but MVH didn’t listen just kept doing stuff and being around not nice people and then MVH just got very tired and confused and I made MVH write to a person that used to help out with all the body-stuff and making things safe and good but this person didn’t want to help out and didn’t understand how important it was to help MVH and then I got really scared and there was so much pain like when I first came into being and I almost made MVH kill herself. But MVH is very clever and knows what to do and took us all somewhere where no one could find us and made everything safe again but MVH was also very angry with me and some of the other voices were angry too I think.
Then MVH forgot about me a bit I think – didn’t notice me and my dancing like before. And MVH had this other person around that didn’t like dancing and that made me feel very alone. That made me go into the cave more often because I got really tired and sad. And MVH didn’t come around the cave as much so I was there all alone most of the time. But a voice we can call Alex came to visit me though. Alex and I are really good friends. I really fancy him. He helped me out lots, hung out with me and MVH doesn’t know about that either.
And then MVH decided to get away from this not nice person and then things got really scary again for a while. I don’t know much about that time I just stayed in the cave and shut my eyes and ears and lay really still. But then it was summer and MVH started coming around the cave again and took me dancing too and I started coming back into MVH’s body. And then lots of good stuff happened and I danced more than ever before. And many new dances too!
Communicating with MVH
Now I spent most of my time in MVH’s body. And I dance a lot. MVH is not so good at listening to me when I speak with words. I think it is because there are so many things around and in MVH’s mind all the time – I don’t like going into MVH’s mind or outside MVH’s body because it is so noisy and confusing. I don’t understand how MVH can stand it. But MVH likes that I dance and I like dancing so we have been communicating that way for many years now. We started doing that when my body was 16 (MVH says that was in 2004 and for 2-3 years) and then my body got older really fast and then (in 2007) we were almost the same age. That was fun.
MVH says that I am the inner child and creativity. Apparently my dancing helps MVH to feel emotions and understand them and take care of them. I don’t know. I just feel stuff. Lots of stuff. All the time. I don’t always know what I feel or where it is coming from or what to do. I think this world is a really really big and scary place to be in.
I found out that if I dance some dances in MVH’s body I can take over thoughts and actions but then MVH doesn’t really listen but just struggles with me. Some of the ages that I visit really wants MVH’s attention and if I let them dance too we can make MVH feel what we feel and we can make MVH’s body do stuff. But MVH and some of the other voices get really angry with us when we do that because MVH can’t do other stuff and grown up stuff because of getting so confused and tired. And then everything gets really messy and I don’t like that. So for a while I was trying to find out how to get MVH to listen to us without doing the dancing thing in the way that MVH didn’t like.
I have my own profile on facebook and I can write to MVH about how things are with me and talk about the different ages instead of us dancing and making MVH exhausted. MVH wants me to talk about all the pain when it is bearable and not just go bananas dancing or hide in the cave when it gets unbearable. MVH says that sometimes when I hide in the cave then one of the ages can stay behind and lock up MVH and that is really difficult. I didn’t know that. MVH says that if I can tell what the pain is and why it is there, it could help with doing things differently. Also MVH says that it may help Domina understand better why MVH can’t do all the stuff Domina wants. But I don’t know what the pain is or why some pain is bearable and some pain is not. I don’t know if I can help MVH when with not getting stuck with the ages. I think it is all very confusing.
Now I can talk more and MVH is practising listening to me more. Writing to each other on facebook was a good way to learn to use words. I don’t know why it is hard to MVH to hear my words but it works better now.
Me and Domina
When all the facebook stuff started, I saw some of the other voices here get a lot of attention I got really scared of being forgotten again. Sometimes it is only the noisy ones who get the attention and then I used to have to dance a lot to get MVH to notice me and then I got tired. And MVH got tired with me.
I had been wanting to talk to MVH like some of the others do and then in the new Hear My Voice group on facebook I got a chance. MVH was reading some stuff in there one morning and I started dancing and talking at the same time and got MVH to write what I was saying. And MVH got really confused and I felt a bit guilty for being pushy and doing that. Especially because I see what happens when Domina is being pushy and I don’t like that. I don’t always get along with Domina and I know it is hard on MVH when Domina wants stuff and doesn’t care what others want. Domina is another voice that MVH hears and she doesn’t like me much when I dance a lot and make MVH tired. But we do understand each other sometimes and I like her when she helps MVH out. Domina can be really cool with the pain stuff – she really knows how to handle pain. She will deal with it in ways I could have never imagined. But then I am overwhelmed by pain and Domina says she doesn’t feel it. And she is the one who can get MVH to do stuff that makes the pain bearable and then I don’t have to hide in the cave so that is good. But then Domina can get MVH to do stuff that is really scary and overwhelming for some of my ages and then she gets angry with me and then MVH gets annoyed with both of us and then it is all really messy and Domina tries to put out the fire she started in the first place. But then MVH sometimes just cuts us both off and deals with things without us and then Domina and I get into really bad fights that MVH doesn’t know about. But I know MVH’s mind goes all cotton-woolly when we or some of the others starts fighting and I don’t think MVH likes that.
Just another part of me
Now an older part of us is around – I am about 16 years old and I just want to say that I really like that we can write and talk to MVH now. I see us as a team of things MVH doesn’t know how to handle. MVH is really not good at dealing with emotions but then there has never been anyone to teach MVH about emotions and even though I am 16 I can get like the younger ones sometimes and dance around like a menacing mad-woman or run away to the cave or freeze to try and shut it all out. But MVH is better at relating to me than some of the young ones though and MVH doesn’t always notice when I am around. I am good at blending in – learned that from Harriet and so when I am not overwhelmed I can help MVH out without creating fear and confusion. MVH likes the feeling of being 17 again and she has got a lot of identity locked up in that age-place so I can help MVH connect with that. But I am still me and MVH is just beginning to realize how much I am. It is good. Tough I think but good.